It has been many months since I have last written anything. My reasons for not writing are as chaotic and confusing as the tumultuous thoughts raging in my brain. I wish I could use the death in the family excuse but even before then it was my nature to have long gaps in between writings. There has been no “self-discovery” or realization for reasons behind these gaps. But that was always my problem the last thirty odd years, using excuses for what lacked in my life. My brain is merely piecing tiny pieces together here and there as I write this post.
Right now, my brain craves for green tea. Well, actually, it has been more or less wanting green tea instead of Monster Energy Drinks and Soda but being a victim of televised circumstances, pop culture won the internal arguments for that which destroys me rather than benefits my body. Back and forth I toil with the idea of cleansing my system, losing more weight, having a gym or modest exercise routine.
As I write this, I’m living at my parents home for the time being due to marital separation. I’ll catch you all up on that later. From my Chromebook, I am writing this blog post, the door closed shut while my Mother is in the loft and my Father downstairs watching television. Often I like to hide away from them, not wanting to disturb either of the two. My body wants green tea even further, the tea kettle downstairs in the kitchen.
Let’s go and start the tea kettle, leaving the Japanese Lo-fi Hip Hop music playing in the background.
The tea kettle is brewing the green tea as I write. Each time I walk by the more shame I feel for being in this predicament. Being the age I am and forced to live with your parents is at least for me, depressing. Keep your head held high as they say. Being a small business owner is allowing me to recoup a small margin at least, hoping to find a new house within the next thirty to fourty-five days. My original plan when the marital separation began in late June was to find a new house and back on my feet before the end of July. It’s quite more depressing knowing I’m still here, already halfway through the month of August.
I’m thankful for the income I make as a small business owner as it allows me to properly save money at the start and end of each and every month after all of my living expenses and more. When I think about the new house, I think of the joy it will bring being able to step away from this shame and embarrassment. The more I think about it the more I realize how alone I will also be. Daily communication comes from either my colleagues, business partners, or my clients. Majority of my “friends” are online, strewn about across the globe rather than here in my own city, much less state.
As you may have already surmised I am a bit of an introvert with an evergrowing amount of social anxiety. In other words, it’s hard for me to make friends within my own city, much less my own state. Often times, I don’t know how to act. There seems to be only a separate version of myself when in public as compared to when I’m at home.
Let’s go check on the tea, shall we?
It has been some time since I had any real tea. I associate real tea to green tea since it is better for the body.
Poured through the cupboard, looking for a fitting mug and as I rifled through the selection of mugs, it dawned on me how much I lost during this marital separation. Lost 90% of material possessions so far – I hope there isn’t any more loss. There was a particular mug I would use for my green tea; you can say it was my favorite mug – I lost that as well. Some can say “a mug is a mug” but I’d rather use my own mug. Of course, I could go purchase a new mug only for myself but it only dawned on me after the fact. Oh well. Tomorrow it will be then.
Took a sip of the first green tea I had in a long time. Gave a couple coughs after the first sip due to how strong the tea is. A moment later, I realized how much I really missed green tea. The music is blending quite well right now, flooding my brain with thoughts and ideas for while I work away, sipping hot green tea. My old routine involved drinking green tea with my breakfast and green tea before going to bed.
As much as I miss green tea, my old routine, and the idea floating around my brain right now, I feel as though until I am able to secure my new setup in the new house, there will continue to be chaos whilst living in my parents home.
There won’t be even a measure of self-discipline I feel until the new house is secured and the kitchen setup proper.
Is it better to secure a routine even though it will be disrupted soon enough only to figure out a way to restart in the new house?
Frankly, I’m not sure.
See you in the next blog post.